Finally. Happy Mother's Day!

Nine Mother's Days'. Nine self loathing, miserable, depressed mothers days. Well now that i read that i make it look like it was only on that day each year that i gave God permission to take me out. Mothers day was simply the day i felt God could hear me better on this particular issue. Please do not for one second think that my ridiculous behavior was any kind of reflection on my sweet babies, mercy no. I have absolutely always loved them with all my heart the problem being my heart was seriously broken.
Strange because i can remember the first night i realized i did not quite think the same as my other mommy friends. We had escaped for a much needed girls night out to Cheesecake Factory, all of us had multiple toddlers at home with dads on babysitting duty. *Sidenote we established that night that it is so not babysitting if he is the dad, oh no. Anyhow, one of my friends mentioned that if anything were to happen to her in no way was her man aloud to remarry. I was shocked, everyone else agreed that no other woman would raise their precious little ones. Light bulb moment here, not that i knew it at that time. There have been several times in my life that i have been made painfully aware that i did not think like other people. Yes, of course this could be a good thing but not so much in this case. I had been a Christ follower for a few years at this point and in my many prayers throughout the day i would continually give God permission to take me out. Nine years of saying the same destructive things over and over. "I suck at this. I am so going to mess them up. Don't punish them because i don't know how to do this. Jesus take me out and give them someone better." Over and over and over. I was terrified they were going to end up like me. My mom left when i was 6, part of me was afraid i was going to do what she did. I suppose i thought she just flipped one day and i was so afraid i just had it in me to do the same thing. Their early years i was so broken.
I joked a couple blogs ago about learning from a book to smile at my children. Fake it till you make it. It worked for me. Thankfully Christ called me out when my oldest was only 2 years old. I had 5 children over 6 years. My house was full of little ones and i learned right along with them. Praying before we ate our meals and at bedtime, bedtime devotions, Jesus Loves Me Cd over and over, memorizing Awana verses with Casey at age 3, learning Veggie Tales virtues(note to self, God IS bigger than the boogy man), being at church whenever the doors were open. My point is that my children had zero resemblance of my childhood but i was still ever so faithful to play that old tape "I suck at this. I am so going to mess them up. Don't punish them because i don't know how to do this. Jesus take me out and give them someone better." Over and over, everyday. Driven by fear of doing what seemed to be mission impossible.
The year was 2004, Mothers Day approaching and my dearest friend was going through a season in her life where she was consumed with worry for her family if something ever happened to her. By this time i had certainly realized that God had given me the gift of encouragement but i just felt in this case i had nothing for her. We were two peas in a pod we were. She was pleading with God to live life to its fullest and i was still continually giving Him permission to take me out and replace me with someone more qualified to do this job. One day i was reading through 1 Kings 3 the story of when Solomon had been made king and he was telling God i am honored, i am young, i need your help- Wait for it!- v.9" for who on their own is able to lead your glorious people?" I had a Jeremiah 23:29 moment. I was and had been head over heels in love with Jesus, feasting on His Word, passionate prayer life for 8 years! The Holy Spirit pretty much spoke to my heart and said "Hello!!! Quit whining We know you can't do this on your own, here look in this Word that you hold so dear and believe it, Solomon the wisest guy on earth, King David a man after My own heart as his dad is saying he can't do it, he can't lead these people. I did not leave him hanging and I AM not going to leave you hanging either. You say you believe in the power of prayer but you continue to give me permission to take you out, if I wanted you out, I would've taken you out. I AM God i really never needed your permission anyway." No kidding, i was laying out in the back yard praying and started bawling, remember it like it was yesterday. The neighbors probably thought those poor kids. just kidding! Okay, honestly, i wish i could say i never played that old tape again, i can not, but i can say that when i do i am immediately reminded that He never asked me to do this on my own and He'll take me out when and if He wants to until then my calling is confirmed. I am so having a Happy Mother's Day. Thank You Jesus.
Okay, soundtrack currently playing is David Crowder, Oh Praise Him
Anyone want to share a Jeremiah 23:29 moment?